The end...

...beautiful friends. Woke this morning and briefly wondered which country I was in, then remembered. It's one degree outside, the trees are bare and everyone speaks English; suddenly the equivalent of two weeks' wages that I had in my wallet three days ago has metamorphosised into less than the cost of a round of drinks; I no longer require ten minutes and the protection of a passing deity to cross the road.

In many ways it feels like I've been gone for 15 minutes not 15 months: Bromley's sole addition appears to be a new fish & chip shop, everyone at the council is still pissed off with their job and my chums the scallies still patrol the local parade of shops scowling darkly. Still, for now I'm actually not hating it - novelty value I suppose, but I'd forgotten how beautiful the sky here can be in winter and, bleak though it is out, there's an Englishness to the scene that's appealing. For now.

Saigon (prefer the old, evocative name to the propagandic Ho Chi Minh City) made Hanoi look like Little-Cholmondeley-on-the-Marsh: brash, bold and teeming with 8m inhabitants (only 10% of whom are from the city: like all cities, the job market acts as a magnet on the surrounding areas), it's noticeably much more Western-influenced than its little northern sister. The central, posh area around Dong Khoi with its Guccis, mechanised Santa Clauses and coloured fairy lights would almost make you think you were in London (but for the 25° temperature difference), while the ladyboys on scooters remind one, inevitably, of Bangkok. It's a bit intimidating at first and I wasn't sorry after the first night to be leaving for somewhere calmer.

Got the bus to Vinh Long in the Mekong Delta, arranged a small tour and homestay with a local family and set off in a boat for the nearby An Binh river island. The nutrient-rich mud of the Delta is responsible for its incredibly lush landscape: boating down the overgrown canals you see the fruit farmers' posh houses on the banks, testament to the fertility of the soil. You can practically stick a fence post in the ground there and it'll grow. The air's hot and moist and I was grateful for the fan, hammock and cold beer waiting for me at the homestay. 'Homestay' is a bit of a misnomer - it's a fairly well-established industry now and rather than the mat in a corner I was expecting you actually get a private hotel-style room: it's more like a hostel that a family happens to live in than a family home. That said, I still prefer it to most of the hotels I've stayed in - you do get to meet the family (altho as they usually don't speak English and my Vietnamese is practically non-existent, communication is somewhat limited - we ended up at several points simply pointing to the appropriate sentence in the phrasebook rather than face the frustration of trying to say it). The night outside was quiet, broken only by the creak of cicadas and the putter of an occasional scooter; the evening meal was fantastic, a massive seafood and pork banquet - the family seems to have taken it as a point of pride to leave every guest stuffed.

In preference to a second night in the big smoke I went to another nearby homestay the day after and ate curried frogs' legs and eel-fish, very good too. After that it was the bus back to Saigon, an afternoon's sight-seeing (Reunification Palace and the extremely grim War Remnants museum) and the plane home via Hong Kong. After five countries, a dozen or so cities, 450 days and God knows how many thousand miles it's all over. No depression as yet, just a sense of unreality - seems impossible to believe I'm actually not getting on a bus tomorrow and heading off somewhere new. That will fade no doubt. As it is, I'm hoping to eke a few free beers out of generous friends and to sound interesting for five minutes before having to whore myself again at the temp agency. Reality beckons.

To anyone who's made it this far, thanks for bothering; and to the older version of myself who might happen to chance again upon this blog one day, this trip was one of your better ideas. As for the next one? With a bit of luck, Japan in 2009 to work as an assistant language teacher - the countdown starts here...

Merry Christmas, over and out.

Time's running out and I hate it - I could happily explore Vietnam for another 6 months. Now in Hoi An, in the south-east part of the country and one of the few towns in the area to escape significant war damage. As a result (also thanks to restoration work and World Heritage listing) parts of it look much as they would have two centuries ago, and much like the set of a martial arts movie - dark, narrow streets consisting of squat wooden dwellings, Chinese lanterns swaying in the breeze. Enchanting, would be even more so if the clientele of all the bars and restaurants weren't exclusively Western. But without the tourists you wouldn't have the cool stuff, and anyway I'm one, so.
Halong Bay produced a similar feeling - undeniably gorgeous and strange as it is (despite the mist) the tourist scrum at the harbour does put you off a bit. We sailed for a day (not in a junk as it turned out, that was a bit beyond my budget), had a look round 'Amazing Cave' (it does actually live up to the name - weird, H.R.Geiger (designer of 'Alien') -style limestone formations, vast size (the last of the series of three caves must be the size of 2 or 3 concert halls) and a rock that looks like a penis. Unbeatable. The second day was spent kayaking, which was fun, and drifting in silence amongst the huge limestone karsts was special, but it's a bit knackering and uncomfortable for the terminally unfit such as me - for once I actually didn't mind getting ripped off ('all-day kayaking' turned out to be about 2 hours but was a relief to give my back a break).
After a night on Cat Ba island (where everyone goes home from the disco at 11 o'clock, on a Saturday night! Mental) I headed to Hue, the old Imperial capital in the 19th century which had 7 kinds of sh*t knocked out of it by the French and Americans in the 20th. As a result many buildings are now almost completely destroyed, which is a shame as the remaining, obviously Chinese-influenced ones are lovely. See the Ringo page for a few pics.
A sobering correction to my naivety a couple of posts ago - yes, there actually are vehicle accidents here all the time, Vietnam has the 2nd or 3rd highest rate of road deaths in the world. On the way to Halong something horrible happened - a guy on a scooter in front of us hit and then got rolled over by a truck. Must have broken both legs and maybe his spine too, and that was the fifth accident I've either seen or seen the aftermath of in the 2 weeks I've been here. My nerves have gone now, I have to be half-canned not to be convinced I'm about to die when on the back of a moto (as a passenger, you understand). One of the few aspects of British life I'm looking forward to is the slightly saner road conditions.
Off to Saigon tomorrow night, from there into the Mekong Delta region of the south-west for a few days and then, ulp, Blighty...

Among the clouds

Back in Hanoi after a wonderful few days in Sapa. It's a different country in everything but name to the capital; the views really are as good as the pic above (not mine, unfortunately - like a complete 'tard I left my camera battery here in Hanoi so will have to wait for the pics from my crappy disposable to be developed before I can see whether I've fluked any half-decent ones), albeit a lot foggier and vaster - the distance from the top of Tram Ton Pass, 15km from Sapa, to the valley floor is dizzying. The ride's a bit hairy as a result (the trucks caning it up and down the narrow, winding road don't help either when you're on the back of a scooter), but if you're going to risk certain death it might as well be for something like this.

Another highlight were the locals; the ones you meet in Sapa are mostly from the H'Mong or Dzao minority groups (there are another 52 minorities, quite bewildering), splendidly kitted out in traditional garb (see Flower H'Mong below). As a fellow visitor observed, you don't have to take acid to trip out here, just go to the market! My trek guide, Mimi, was a fantastically fun Black H'Mong woman: fierce-tempered but sweet, occasionally stern but genuine and as honest as the day's long. We stayed overnight with a bunch of American tourists at a lady's house in one of the local villages, eating a vast banquet cooked by the tour guides before getting ratted on rice wine drinking games and singing along to Backstreet Boys on Mimi's mobile (one of the unexpected features of the local kids is their savviness with mobiles and the internet - Mimi's phone is better than mine and she's even on Facebook! Welcome to the 21st Century).

After the tour finished I got invited to the wedding reception of a local H'Mong couple; wowee, I have never in all my years seen so many people get so drunk so quickly - with firewater toasts to the happy couple literally every 30 seconds we barely had time to shovel any food in our mouths before another friend or relative (the groom's cousin fresh from a motorbike accident but unbothered) is at our table and we're shouting 'Mot, Hai, Mai, Yo!' ('1-2-3-4') again and downing another shot. Everyone was smashed by 8 and staggering home, in my case just about remaining vertical. Needless to say, a great time was had by all.

Off with a bit of luck to Halong Bay tomorrow for cruising the waters in a junk, doing some kayaking and seeing some caves. If it's half as fun as Sapa was it'll be a treat. Bye for now.

Boom bang-a-bang

Bosch meets Dante! Bloody hell, it's fun being back in Asia but it's [expletive-deleted] mental. For the record, there has never been a better argument for the existence of divine intervention than Hanoi traffic: I challenge Dawkins to come up with any better explanation of how 200 moped riders can converge from 18 different directions at 50 mph on the same road junction and not be splattered from here to kingdom come. As it is I've yet to see a single accident, hallelujah.
It's certainly a significant gear change up from sun-doped Darwin - last few days there were spent in the heat and humidity of Kakadu National Park, drinking in views of a tropically soaked forest, swimming in rock pools, liking-look-of-but-probably-failing-to-adequately-comprehend Aboriginal art and quietly thanking any available deity that I wasn't within range of the crocs, followed by a pretty tearful airport farewell to a certain young lady. She's a beaut and I hope she knows it.
Last 3 days have been spent overcoming Delhi Belly (hold the front page: dodgy streetside mussels not a good idea), rejoicing in Asian prices and seeing the odd Ho Chi Minh-related attraction (at this early stage my favourite Communist leader, certainly much jollier than Brezhnev; also benefits from similarity to numerous drunken-master style Bruce Lee movie badasses). I've got another couple of days of dodging the traffic, the booksellers and the smack dealers here and hopefully fitting some sights in besides, then on to freezing, spectrally beautiful Sapa in the north-west. Wish me luck, the odds of catastrophe have just narrowed again...

Infatuation

The plan was something like this: be in Broome by now, head a few thousand k's down the Western Australian coast to Perth visiting a few parks and sipping a few Margaritas at various beaches along the way. The plan now: hang around Darwin spending every moment I'm permitted with the funky, fresh and gorgeous Miss Tiyan Baker before my visa runs out and I take what surely has to be one of the longest-winded routes from Darwin to Hanoi ever attempted (Darwin-Melbourne-Perth-Kuala Lumpur-Hanoi, 2 days, no sleep). We met on Friday, had half the weekend together, this week she's away mango-picking and I have to endure another five days' frustration until she gets back. Got no money 'til the tax refund (please God) comes through; slowly running out of stuff to do in Darwin that doesn't cost more than I have; the monsoon's started and the mozzies are feasting on Pomflesh (they must think it's Christmas, I'm scratching more than a flea-ridden street mutt); most days are spent in alcoholic contemplation of thunderstorms. Yet, with her to look forward to, I'm happy. So what if it can't go anywhere? As a friend succinctly put it, why would you turn down romance? 'One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name'

Sexy blancmange

How very uncheesy. Ah well, it was fun. For the record, Uluru is a sexy blancmange from a distance and a lot bloody bigger than you expect up close (took us 1 1/2 hours to walk round it). We got both the geological and Aboriginal explanations for its creation, must say the locals' version is a lot more fun - involved a mud fight and waggling bottoms (I was called upon to act this out with the tour guide, a highlight). We also took in the Olgas, a stunning group of 36 sandstone formations a few miles away. For some reason they reminded me of pregnant bellies. Hmm...

Up in the Top End now following a 22-hour Greyhound ride from Alice; they certainly don't skimp on the miles here. Darwin could take on Bangkok in the humidity stakes, everyone's got that slightly damp look I'd forgotten about. Palm trees everywhere. Will hang out here for a little while I think, partly in an effort to restrain spending, partly cos the weather isn't conducive to doing too much other than reclining with a cold one. Speaking of which... ta ta for now.

Bloody hot mate

No need to worry about snow anymore; got to Alice Springs, bang in the middle of Oz, yesterday after 2 days on a smelly bus from Adelaide and it's roasting. Crusty clothes, minging flip-flops and dehydration are the concern now.
Adelaide's a pleasant place, if a bit unspectacular - elegantly laid out in a grid system (as in Melbourne), the North Terrace is probably the poshest area and is home to the university (wandered briefly round campus feeling like I'd turned the clock back 5 years and that term paper was due in tomorrow), state parliament, art gallery and museum of South Australia. It's also next to the Botanical Gardens, which were lovely (see photos on Ringo anyone who's interested). Day after that I went on one of the wine tours that are pretty much de rigeur for any visitor to Adelaide; one I went on was to Barossa Valley. Driven around by the affable Uwe, we had tastings at 4 different vineyards and discovered after the first couple of glasses our inner wine ponces - 'mmm, I'm getting just the cheekiest hint of pencil shavings under that bold plumminess' etc etc - came out all too easily. Before we made total idiots of ourselves, Uwe cooked us up a pretty stonking BBQ to soak up some of the booze. Still a pretty cheery affair though as you'd imagine and the head was thumping on Saturday morning.
After that, it's been over a thousand miles on the road to get here. The landscape flat as a pancake for the most part and hostile and beautiful at the same time - parched, red earth broken up by the odd bit of scrub that somehow manages to squeeze a drop of moisture from the soil. Enormous salt flats in the distance: hills in the centre of what used to be a lake looking like they're floating in air. We stayed overnight in Coober Pedy, the 'opal mining centre of the world' - around the place are 250,000 shafts where people have dug and dynamited to try and find some of it; occasionally people stumble across a million-dollar find, more often they stumble over one of the holes and fall in. Another hazard is the climate - the combination of 35+ degree temperatures during the day and freezing conditions at night is so fierce that some people have made their homes underground, carving caves into the side of hills or into the earth. We slept in a hostel that was built similarly; must say for a first night in a cave it wasn't bad at all - the temperature was a constant 22 degrees or so, could see their point.
And so after another 9 hours' driving (well, being driven anyway) to here. Off to Uluru (Ayers Rock - briefly worried whether I could afford it but it would be a bit ridiculous to come all the way here just for Alice S. - doesn't seem to be too much to do here other than go on tours) on Wednesday, after that another great slog up to Darwin.
Right, now for a cool drink and the swimming pool...